Work Policy
Thursday, December 27th, 2007 VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Company Policy, Effective January 1, 2008
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Pradas and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you can buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be, and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s note as proof of illness. If you are well enough to go to the doctor, you are well enough to come to work.
Annual Leave Days
Each employee will now receive 104 days of annual leave each year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In the rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your Lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour earlier.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board, under Chronic Offenders. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s Mental Health Policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get thirty minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get fifteen minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time you need to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you
The Management.
